Confession.

Well times have changed.
They've changed more tims than I like to count since that fateful day. And now you're happy with someone else. Everyone around us was following our story and its aftermath rather closely. Even still today.
So what did I do amidst all these staring eyes and peer pressure? I'll tell you what I did. I just hid behind my cigarette and pretended I didn't care. Now I realise that I lied to myself.

I do fucking care. Everytime I think about you and him together, I'm burning inside. Burning with anger, regret and dread.
I've spoken with friends about these kinds of frustrating problems. And no matter how good the friend, no matter how deep the conversation, they always had it easier. They always knew which way to go, and what to do. Their situations were predictable. They knew if it was gonna get better or worse. In the end, they were all the same stories.

I have different stories.
All of the things that revolve around this problem are purely products or projections of my mind. I am actually creating most of this pain. And that is why I cannot deal with it. That is why it's become unbearable. My mind is going nowhere. It doesn't drown me in misery or illuminate me in happiness. It keeps me rooted to the spot and teases me, rendering me restless and petrified at the thought of a change.

How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?
Sleeping forever sounds like an adequate solution.

An open letter to myself.

I never wanted to be this involved in something that remains so typical, and so common. I always wanted to be outside the mainstream, and live my life by my own self-defined rules. But I guess it just doesn't work that way. Because I met you.
It's funny how still 2 months after it happened, I'm still burying and digging up these memories over and over. It's taunting, and I am starting to see the unhealthiness of it for me.

All I ever do is procrastinate and feel down. All I ever write about on this blog anymore is you. It has to stop.

A certain other person told me one day that if I wasn't to move on fast enough, I would remain stuck in this infernal war of attrition for a very long time and that it would destroy me in the end.
Well that person was fucking right. I am destroyed.

The world is another place now. I'm indifferent to everything. I no longer walk out into the street on saturday mornings and feel well and truly alive amidst the crowd of people walking down the main streets of the city. I don't feel like I'm worth it. I'm already a quarter of the way through my life and I'm already bored with the routine. And even when I step out of the routine, I get bored because I depend on the fucking routine to not be fucking bored.

You see, after all, getting over you isn't the only war of attrition in this world. Life is a fucking war of attrition and there is no way of getting out.
Everything going on just bounces off the walls I've built around me to shield my true emotions from the world. If you add that to my mind comparing every single thing I see into what it would've looked like when we were together, you get a pretty long list of dark thoughts.
Life is becoming claustrophobic. I can barely breathe.
They say life is an airplane, and if you're not happy, you can always jump out. Well then show me the fucking emergency exit doors right now. I'll put up no fight whatsoever. Not right now. Trust me.

Meanwhile, you seem to be getting along well. And that is all I wish you to do. I don't talk with you enough anymore to know if you're truly happier, or if your new life just conveniences you more. In whatever way, I just hope it makes you happier than I could've made you. I don't deserve happiness. I'm an empty shell, numbed by my self-inflicted pain and lust for everything that fucks with your head.
You say I'm the best guy you ever met, and that I deserve happiness more than anyone. I find that hard to believe. You've got the world to see. I don't. I just don't care. I've seen enough already.

And so I'm destroyed. I've been deconstructed piece by piece, leaving nothing but rubble and wires on the ground. I can blame nobody else but me for this. You just did what was best. And trust me, you made the right choice. At least you escaped.

All I've got to do now is tell myself over and over that it's alright and that nothing lasts forever. But it's not just that. My hole is a lot deeper. You see, I've lost all sense of emotion. On the other hand, I've become the best at faking emotions.

All my friends and acquaintances will tell you I'm an active guy, with a spark in my stride and a glimmer in my eyes. Trust me, I'm nowhere near that stereotype. I've been eaten away at the core ever since I was reborn as an adolescent. Eaten away by something still unknown to me. Eaten away by pain, misery, and inexplicable melancholy.

I laugh for the sake of laughing, cry for the sake of crying, smile for the sake of smiling, mourn for the sake of mourning, and live for the sake of living.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Al I know is you used to sooth that pain.
I have been flat out depressed for the last three years, and during those last three years the only moments where I didn't feel down were the moments spent with you.
Now that you're gone, I'm filling this mysterious misery with my painful loss of your love. Now that is the only thing that can sooth me, that can bring the wound as close as possible to being healed. That is my lifeline. And that is why I cannot let go. Not now.
I'd rather kill myself in the next few weeks still being in love with you, than get over you and go back to the monotonous pull of the boring life ahead of me.
It sounds incredibly exaggerated, and it is. Very slightly. But I could go that far if this tense situation continues.

I need to get through this, and come out of the tunnel.
Should I hope to see you on the other side?

Gas Panic
by Oasis

What tongueless ghost of sin crept through my curtains?
Sailing on a sea of sweat on a stormy night
I think he don't got a name but I can't be certain
And in me he starts to confide.

That my family don't seem so familiar,
And my enemies all know my name.
And if you hear me tap on your window,
You better get on your knees and pray,
Panic is on the way.

My pulse pumps out a beat to the ghost dancer,
My eyes are dead and my throat's like a black hole.
And if there's a god would he give another chance?
An hour to sing for his soul.

'Cos my family don't seem so familiar,
And my enemies all know my name.
And if you hear me tap on your window,
You better get on your knees and you better pray.
'Cos my family don't seem so familiar,
And my enemies all know my name.
And if you hear me tap on your window,
You better get on your knees and pray,
Panic is on the way
Panic is on the way
Panic is on the way
Panic is on the way.

Day in, day out.

So I was in the city today. Stoned. It's funny how the effects alter your point of view on life. It brings you up to a higher level, and you can see everything from above. A beautiful panorama of existence.
Faces all looked the same, and yet so different. They looked different, but for the first time in a long time, I wished them all to be yours. Time has passed, and times change, and "us" was before, but it's still not over.

I have concentrated so hard on forgetting you whilst simultaneously trying so hard to remember you, that your image is blurred and clear at the same time. The memories of the golden days and nights we spent together feel like dreams not far from reality. They don't feel real, even though I do not doubt their existence. I just don't know what I'm feeling.

It was something about the music being played on the street sides and the breeze and the weather that seemed to bring me closer to our time together.
So all the people stared and I was always thinking one of those faces in the dizzying crowd could be you, and that you would see me.
Nothing happened, the effects wore off.
And down I came.

Sleep.

If I could sleep forever, it's of you I'd dream. In dreams where we'd reconcile and never lie.
If I could sleep forever, I wouldn't ever need time to wake up. Waking up wouldn't matter.

If I could sleep forever, I would be numb forever. And live in a world without pain or hatred for one another.
If I could sleep forever, I'd never question why. I'd drift further into nothing.

If I could sleep forever, I'd lose all notion of fear or sadness.
If I could sleep forever, I could read between the barbed wire lines.

If I could sleep forever, my mind would never touch the ground.
If I could sleep forever, my skies would never crumble and die.

If I could sleep forever, I'd see you.
If I could sleep forever, I'd feel alive.

I wish I could sleep forever, and never see the light of dawn.

Horizons.

Well here it is. A new year. Doesn't really seem like it. Doesn't really feel like it. It still feels like the timeless, limitless drone of time moving on. It seems like I'm indifferent to all the changes my life is going under lately. I'm still not fully sure why, but my head is still stuck 3 months ago. It's not just because I was with you. That's definitely part of the past now.
No. It was just because everything was so much better. Life seemed to help me out of bed every morning instead of kicking me multiple times in the face as it does now.
I wish I could have those days playing on a loop. I never realised how golden they were until they were over, you were gone, and my sense of purpose turned to shreds.

Things have changed since last year.

I was such an innocent young man back in January 2010. I hadn't really dug into the teenage life back then. I had no reason to be sad, or particularly happy. I was conveniently neutral. I was denied of all the pleasures and kept safe from all the shit in life. Then things changed and it felt like I was being reborn.
I prefer not to remember the beginning of last year, because I was something that I now hate. I don't want to look back on some of the memories back then, because they render me too confused and too nostalgic.
To reinforce this, I find myself with the desperate desire of moving ever more forward. But then you see, I'm still stuck three months ago. Now I'm left in limbo. Going back further is unpleasant, but remembering the few months that followed October would be even more painful.

The new year means nothing to me. Things are staying the same. The novelty of this new life is getting old. The wave of initial excitement has passed, and the breakup triggered the end.

It also made me realise that I have left some people behind in favour of others over the past year. I regret that in a way, but I also needed to do it. Because I am afraid of the past. I am afraid of the person I was and I attempt to be oblivious to it. I attempt to overshadow a past life with an even better new life. That is my way of trudging through my existence, and so far it has served me well. As well as I could hope for.

I don't see the point in celebrating the new year anyway.
We're still the same people at the end of the day. We can set goals and try to become better people after the clock strikes midnight, but even then we know that it won't succeed.
Time doesn't define life, and doesn't define us. Time is nothing but numbers tracking us down, turning every day into a unit. A fixed piece.

I don't live my life in days. I have my own way of counting "days". A day could last 79 hours for all I care. It will only end when something new happens, and my mind is directed in another direction.
In your case, (yep I'm talking to you again), you could say that our day lasted 6 months. 6 fucking months.

And that was just yesterday.
How do you expect me to be back to fucking normal after that?
Yesterday took me up in the sky. Today, I can't even remember how it felt. Isn't that fucking sad?
I don't know if you can remember. You probably can. Your feet still won't touch the ground, when mine won't lift from the undergrowth.

I can't even remember how I felt when I was still happy for christmas. I can't even remember what it feels like to enjoy a present and forget about all the complicated twists your life may be going through.
I can't remember what it feels like to not be looking over my back every five minutes. I can't remember what it feels like to be loved and to love. I can't remember what it feels like to feel at home. I can't remember what it feels like to get along with your parents.
I can't remember what it feels like to be alive.
I can't remember shit.

I'm just forcing myself not to walk backwards. I'm already looking backwards all the time. The worst thing I could do is get lost in a delusion from the past. I'm forcing myself to move forwards, in every aspect. The new year means fuck all.
I just used it as an excuse to get wasted this year. It's no longer the glamourous evening it used to be. 2011 means nothing to me. I'm still fighting this fight against myself.

This fight will kill me one day. I'm not asking for pity or help. I'm solely responsible for this. I almost want my own downfall. If I fall, I will eventually come back up. If I come back up, the delusion will be complete. And I will be able to enjoy the new year again. I will be able to enjoy sitting beside the fire an endless number of hours. I will be able to enjoy your new form of company (yeah you again). I will be able to enjoy the presence of the people who truly matter. I will be able to enjoy all the little things. I will feel alive again.

My days could last 5 minutes, as they could last 6 months. Like ours. They could last forever, if I'm lucky one day. But for now, the dark of night has lasted too long. The sky can only get lighter...

Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.

No need for introductions. I've done this before. Another poem to illustrate the lack of peace in my mind. Another threnody to paint the picture of monstrous melancholy inside me. Another soliloquy to replicate the wretched riots within my head.

Break the Surface

Please relieve this sick feeling
Stabbing me in the back
From floor to ceiling
Clawing at all I lack

It’s like climbing the floor
When you’re running through the water
Stopping at open doors
When there’s nothing left to alter
It’s like a teasing bullet
Taunting your every move
My battered life is a rogue rocket
And there’s too much left to sooth.

It's like running north
When the oasis lies south
It's like biting the air back and forth
When you're bleeding from your mouth
It's like this pristine silence
Deafening my every cry
Purpose doesn't define my existence
And it still won't let me die.

So again I fall down
Tearing up at the seams
And hit the dark ground
Of this sensual dream.

--

2 months ago seems like it is ages away. I'm so sorry.

Swan song.

I don't think I've ever been this close to sinking into myself before.
In moments of sadness such as these, I would think about you, and how we were together, and nothing could ever stop us, and how I could write a full book about the golden moments I would spend with you.
Now everytime I turn to you, all I find are blank pages.

Everything else is falling to pieces too.
I can turn to my friends, but they're not strong enough to save this.
For all I care, I could be blind by now. I could be imagining everything I see, and adjusting it to fit my personality.
Even then, the universe is grey.

I keep on stumbling everytime I want to type out this sentence. I've erased it and rewritten more times than I dare count.
But I realise that this feeling is too big to put into words. It's too significant. It's too dense and multilayered. It's too hypnotising and full of too much tear-watering material. For once, I feel like sparing you.
You've been treated to a cocktail of dark emotions throughout this blog, but right now I want you to have a happy day or night after reading this. I don't want you to feel down like I do. I want you to leave the computer and think about how beautiful the world can be if you think of it that way.
Do the job I am incapable of doing: appreciate life.

You taught me how to do that. But the lessons I learned with you fade with your abscence.
It's better that way. I feel I can bring others happiness.
Who cares if the one person who could do that to me is now gone?

You don't need to care anyway. Why should you? It's a waste of your time.
Just fuck off already. And be happy. Be happier than I could ever be.

Listen Up
by Oasis

Listen up, what's the time said today?
I'm gonna speak my mind.
Take me up to the top of the world,
I wanna see my crime.

Day by day, there's a man in a suit,
Who's gonna make you pay,
For the thoughts that you think and the words,
They won't let you say.

One fine day,
I'm gonna leave you all behind.
It wouldn't be so bad,
If I had more time.

But I've been sailing down this river alone,
And I'm still trying to find my way back home.

But I don't believe in magic, life is automatic.
But I don't mind being on my own.

I said that I don't mind being on my own.
No I don't mind being on my own.