Sleep.

If I could sleep forever, it's of you I'd dream. In dreams where we'd reconcile and never lie.
If I could sleep forever, I wouldn't ever need time to wake up. Waking up wouldn't matter.

If I could sleep forever, I would be numb forever. And live in a world without pain or hatred for one another.
If I could sleep forever, I'd never question why. I'd drift further into nothing.

If I could sleep forever, I'd lose all notion of fear or sadness.
If I could sleep forever, I could read between the barbed wire lines.

If I could sleep forever, my mind would never touch the ground.
If I could sleep forever, my skies would never crumble and die.

If I could sleep forever, I'd see you.
If I could sleep forever, I'd feel alive.

I wish I could sleep forever, and never see the light of dawn.

Horizons.

Well here it is. A new year. Doesn't really seem like it. Doesn't really feel like it. It still feels like the timeless, limitless drone of time moving on. It seems like I'm indifferent to all the changes my life is going under lately. I'm still not fully sure why, but my head is still stuck 3 months ago. It's not just because I was with you. That's definitely part of the past now.
No. It was just because everything was so much better. Life seemed to help me out of bed every morning instead of kicking me multiple times in the face as it does now.
I wish I could have those days playing on a loop. I never realised how golden they were until they were over, you were gone, and my sense of purpose turned to shreds.

Things have changed since last year.

I was such an innocent young man back in January 2010. I hadn't really dug into the teenage life back then. I had no reason to be sad, or particularly happy. I was conveniently neutral. I was denied of all the pleasures and kept safe from all the shit in life. Then things changed and it felt like I was being reborn.
I prefer not to remember the beginning of last year, because I was something that I now hate. I don't want to look back on some of the memories back then, because they render me too confused and too nostalgic.
To reinforce this, I find myself with the desperate desire of moving ever more forward. But then you see, I'm still stuck three months ago. Now I'm left in limbo. Going back further is unpleasant, but remembering the few months that followed October would be even more painful.

The new year means nothing to me. Things are staying the same. The novelty of this new life is getting old. The wave of initial excitement has passed, and the breakup triggered the end.

It also made me realise that I have left some people behind in favour of others over the past year. I regret that in a way, but I also needed to do it. Because I am afraid of the past. I am afraid of the person I was and I attempt to be oblivious to it. I attempt to overshadow a past life with an even better new life. That is my way of trudging through my existence, and so far it has served me well. As well as I could hope for.

I don't see the point in celebrating the new year anyway.
We're still the same people at the end of the day. We can set goals and try to become better people after the clock strikes midnight, but even then we know that it won't succeed.
Time doesn't define life, and doesn't define us. Time is nothing but numbers tracking us down, turning every day into a unit. A fixed piece.

I don't live my life in days. I have my own way of counting "days". A day could last 79 hours for all I care. It will only end when something new happens, and my mind is directed in another direction.
In your case, (yep I'm talking to you again), you could say that our day lasted 6 months. 6 fucking months.

And that was just yesterday.
How do you expect me to be back to fucking normal after that?
Yesterday took me up in the sky. Today, I can't even remember how it felt. Isn't that fucking sad?
I don't know if you can remember. You probably can. Your feet still won't touch the ground, when mine won't lift from the undergrowth.

I can't even remember how I felt when I was still happy for christmas. I can't even remember what it feels like to enjoy a present and forget about all the complicated twists your life may be going through.
I can't remember what it feels like to not be looking over my back every five minutes. I can't remember what it feels like to be loved and to love. I can't remember what it feels like to feel at home. I can't remember what it feels like to get along with your parents.
I can't remember what it feels like to be alive.
I can't remember shit.

I'm just forcing myself not to walk backwards. I'm already looking backwards all the time. The worst thing I could do is get lost in a delusion from the past. I'm forcing myself to move forwards, in every aspect. The new year means fuck all.
I just used it as an excuse to get wasted this year. It's no longer the glamourous evening it used to be. 2011 means nothing to me. I'm still fighting this fight against myself.

This fight will kill me one day. I'm not asking for pity or help. I'm solely responsible for this. I almost want my own downfall. If I fall, I will eventually come back up. If I come back up, the delusion will be complete. And I will be able to enjoy the new year again. I will be able to enjoy sitting beside the fire an endless number of hours. I will be able to enjoy your new form of company (yeah you again). I will be able to enjoy the presence of the people who truly matter. I will be able to enjoy all the little things. I will feel alive again.

My days could last 5 minutes, as they could last 6 months. Like ours. They could last forever, if I'm lucky one day. But for now, the dark of night has lasted too long. The sky can only get lighter...

Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.

No need for introductions. I've done this before. Another poem to illustrate the lack of peace in my mind. Another threnody to paint the picture of monstrous melancholy inside me. Another soliloquy to replicate the wretched riots within my head.

Break the Surface

Please relieve this sick feeling
Stabbing me in the back
From floor to ceiling
Clawing at all I lack

It’s like climbing the floor
When you’re running through the water
Stopping at open doors
When there’s nothing left to alter
It’s like a teasing bullet
Taunting your every move
My battered life is a rogue rocket
And there’s too much left to sooth.

It's like running north
When the oasis lies south
It's like biting the air back and forth
When you're bleeding from your mouth
It's like this pristine silence
Deafening my every cry
Purpose doesn't define my existence
And it still won't let me die.

So again I fall down
Tearing up at the seams
And hit the dark ground
Of this sensual dream.

--

2 months ago seems like it is ages away. I'm so sorry.

Swan song.

I don't think I've ever been this close to sinking into myself before.
In moments of sadness such as these, I would think about you, and how we were together, and nothing could ever stop us, and how I could write a full book about the golden moments I would spend with you.
Now everytime I turn to you, all I find are blank pages.

Everything else is falling to pieces too.
I can turn to my friends, but they're not strong enough to save this.
For all I care, I could be blind by now. I could be imagining everything I see, and adjusting it to fit my personality.
Even then, the universe is grey.

I keep on stumbling everytime I want to type out this sentence. I've erased it and rewritten more times than I dare count.
But I realise that this feeling is too big to put into words. It's too significant. It's too dense and multilayered. It's too hypnotising and full of too much tear-watering material. For once, I feel like sparing you.
You've been treated to a cocktail of dark emotions throughout this blog, but right now I want you to have a happy day or night after reading this. I don't want you to feel down like I do. I want you to leave the computer and think about how beautiful the world can be if you think of it that way.
Do the job I am incapable of doing: appreciate life.

You taught me how to do that. But the lessons I learned with you fade with your abscence.
It's better that way. I feel I can bring others happiness.
Who cares if the one person who could do that to me is now gone?

You don't need to care anyway. Why should you? It's a waste of your time.
Just fuck off already. And be happy. Be happier than I could ever be.

Listen Up
by Oasis

Listen up, what's the time said today?
I'm gonna speak my mind.
Take me up to the top of the world,
I wanna see my crime.

Day by day, there's a man in a suit,
Who's gonna make you pay,
For the thoughts that you think and the words,
They won't let you say.

One fine day,
I'm gonna leave you all behind.
It wouldn't be so bad,
If I had more time.

But I've been sailing down this river alone,
And I'm still trying to find my way back home.

But I don't believe in magic, life is automatic.
But I don't mind being on my own.

I said that I don't mind being on my own.
No I don't mind being on my own.

Days like these.

It's days like these that make me think of summer. Now it's winter, but the sun still shines on everyone. Even on me, though I find it hard to believe. It's days when I can walk down the neat suburbs with friends and laugh at how we have no idea where we'll end up that coming night. These days remind me of the holidays, when you couldn't base yourself on school to see everyone in your life. You had to construct it all, and only you were the true master of how you would spend those holidays.
I'm at the same stage, and that is why I feel like that on days like these. I have to construct it all over again. I tell everyone I'm over you. I most probably am, but the remnants of our relationship still burn bright in my soul. But the remnants have gone cold. I've been procrastinating and shooting myself in the foot for a while. Meanwhile you're finally truthful to yourself, and I am rendered tame, and I cannot say anything about the way you're living your life.

It's days like these that edge me closer to darkness. It's sunny outside, but hospital walls block out the sun completely. Life seems to be at an agonizing stop inbetween these 4 walls. It's blistering. Survival seems to be the option here. Sad faces are ever-present, and if you catch a glimpse of happiness, it will also be shaded by fakeness and good social manners. I see you in many people here. You seem to be everywhere, except for where you're supposed to be. We haven't spoken for real in ages. I want to stop missing you as soon as possible. But first I must get better. However, I am not sick. I am healthy on the outside, but I feel just as diseased as the real patients.
Why can't I move outside into the sunlight?

It's days like these that shape sadness and force me back into myself. Why did things have to change? For once, I was living life as it was meant to be lived. Without sadness. Without worry. Without this fucking website. And with you.
I guess my conscience tied itself in a knot. I just want to enjoy the sunlit streets I'm walking down with my friends. I'm not walking down the street to happiness, just the street that goes forward. I might be wrong.
Why aren't things the same? Now, sadness surrounds all and absorbs all. Even if I consider happiness, it'll be with something that I don't have anymore. You can guess what that something is.

Days like these would make anyone feel lonely, even though they are surrounded by people who love them. It's a different kind of loneliness. It's the loneliness that reaches inside you to grasp whatever hope of mirth you ever had. It's the kind that points at what you've lost and constantly reminds you of your happy past, and how much better it was then. It's the kind that reminds you a countless number of times that things will not get better for a while. It's the loneliness that you can only feel if you are trapped between 4 walls or enjoying the sunshine when nobody else is. It's the loneliness that reminds you of your innocent childhood joy and energy, and then suddenly obliviates you of it. It's the loneliness that tethers you to the hard sting of reality, and days like these.

Zero.

The aftermath of the warm blood bath is starkly cold.
Now I realise what has really happened. It's a lot worse than I pictured it. I have to start from the beginning once more, and see if I can build something as proud as the vestige I lost. This is a new beginning.
Or is it just a resurrection of the end?
Either way, it's not ok. Nothing is ok.

For a certain someone.

I walked home after seeing friends today. On a wednesday evening. Days when I would usually see you.

I don't feel sad or heartbroken that it's over. My mind seems to flutter uncontrollably between confusion and nostalgia. I don't know if I still love you. I definitely know that you do not love me anymore, and that is what's changed.

Nothing else has changed. I still have my friends, my family, my good grades. I still have my pride, and all those great memories left behind.
It's funny. I don't miss you, but then again I do. So badly. I want to be strong and solid enough to move on without giving signs of weakness. But I am weak when it comes to you.

I was walking home and it was already dark and cold. And, funnily enough, I deliberately took a detour to take a trip down memory lane. And I got this feeling. This feeling from when we were still together and everything was great.
It feels like such a long time ago, and just a second ago at the same time, even though it was only 3 months ago. You seem to be strong, but I don't know if you're just as confused as I am underneath.

I'm not soft for love. If you read the rest of my blog, you'll see that I find love to be annoying, harmful, and eventually pointless. But all these ideas fall apart when I think back to when we were together.
I walked home and listened to Oasis like we would do. We would be glad to have each other's company and we'd feel complete. And no matter how cold the weather would get, or no matter how annoying or restricting our lives in society felt, we would be enclosed in a blissful sanctuary of freedom.

I don't know if you'll read this. I doubt it, and it's probably better that way. I don't want you to fall back into the malevolant lie that you should still love me because you pity me. Don't fucking pity me. I don't need it. Everyone tells me that I can move on and get with other people easily, but I don't know if I want to just yet.

For now, I just enjoyed walking home down the roads we would walk. Feeling sad and happy at the same time. Listening to the same songs that would comically annoy you after a bit, and you would turn to me and ask me to turn it off, and I would playfully refuse.

All those games are gone now. I'm left with the unentertaining notion that I will have to fill this irreplaceable gap with something worth living for. That's gonna be hard to find.

Don't worry about me. I'll move on soon enough, but it'll never be like it used to be.
This feeling will probably never come back to me, and I will probably find someone else soon enough.
And the thought of seeing you everyday as a friend tingles incessantly in my mind. What will it be like? Will I still feel nostalgia? Or will I simply look back at those days as "old times" when we were so innocent and knew that tomorrow was gonna be made of something that would simply make our bond stronger.

I honestly don't want to know what it's gonna be like. I just want to remember this evening as the coda to the symphony that changed my life for the few months we were together.

It feels stupid to write something like this on a blog where I usually post darker things. I'm not a slave to love. I'm not a 12 year old girl. There are bigger things in my life. But this, this was different.
I just had to post this, for our sake...or maybe just mine.

And so I walked.
I walked down roads that held our many memories and stories.
The roads we walked together when we were free in perfect harmony.
And so I walked.
Alone.