For a certain someone.

I walked home after seeing friends today. On a wednesday evening. Days when I would usually see you.

I don't feel sad or heartbroken that it's over. My mind seems to flutter uncontrollably between confusion and nostalgia. I don't know if I still love you. I definitely know that you do not love me anymore, and that is what's changed.

Nothing else has changed. I still have my friends, my family, my good grades. I still have my pride, and all those great memories left behind.
It's funny. I don't miss you, but then again I do. So badly. I want to be strong and solid enough to move on without giving signs of weakness. But I am weak when it comes to you.

I was walking home and it was already dark and cold. And, funnily enough, I deliberately took a detour to take a trip down memory lane. And I got this feeling. This feeling from when we were still together and everything was great.
It feels like such a long time ago, and just a second ago at the same time, even though it was only 3 months ago. You seem to be strong, but I don't know if you're just as confused as I am underneath.

I'm not soft for love. If you read the rest of my blog, you'll see that I find love to be annoying, harmful, and eventually pointless. But all these ideas fall apart when I think back to when we were together.
I walked home and listened to Oasis like we would do. We would be glad to have each other's company and we'd feel complete. And no matter how cold the weather would get, or no matter how annoying or restricting our lives in society felt, we would be enclosed in a blissful sanctuary of freedom.

I don't know if you'll read this. I doubt it, and it's probably better that way. I don't want you to fall back into the malevolant lie that you should still love me because you pity me. Don't fucking pity me. I don't need it. Everyone tells me that I can move on and get with other people easily, but I don't know if I want to just yet.

For now, I just enjoyed walking home down the roads we would walk. Feeling sad and happy at the same time. Listening to the same songs that would comically annoy you after a bit, and you would turn to me and ask me to turn it off, and I would playfully refuse.

All those games are gone now. I'm left with the unentertaining notion that I will have to fill this irreplaceable gap with something worth living for. That's gonna be hard to find.

Don't worry about me. I'll move on soon enough, but it'll never be like it used to be.
This feeling will probably never come back to me, and I will probably find someone else soon enough.
And the thought of seeing you everyday as a friend tingles incessantly in my mind. What will it be like? Will I still feel nostalgia? Or will I simply look back at those days as "old times" when we were so innocent and knew that tomorrow was gonna be made of something that would simply make our bond stronger.

I honestly don't want to know what it's gonna be like. I just want to remember this evening as the coda to the symphony that changed my life for the few months we were together.

It feels stupid to write something like this on a blog where I usually post darker things. I'm not a slave to love. I'm not a 12 year old girl. There are bigger things in my life. But this, this was different.
I just had to post this, for our sake...or maybe just mine.

And so I walked.
I walked down roads that held our many memories and stories.
The roads we walked together when we were free in perfect harmony.
And so I walked.
Alone.