Days like these.

It's days like these that make me think of summer. Now it's winter, but the sun still shines on everyone. Even on me, though I find it hard to believe. It's days when I can walk down the neat suburbs with friends and laugh at how we have no idea where we'll end up that coming night. These days remind me of the holidays, when you couldn't base yourself on school to see everyone in your life. You had to construct it all, and only you were the true master of how you would spend those holidays.
I'm at the same stage, and that is why I feel like that on days like these. I have to construct it all over again. I tell everyone I'm over you. I most probably am, but the remnants of our relationship still burn bright in my soul. But the remnants have gone cold. I've been procrastinating and shooting myself in the foot for a while. Meanwhile you're finally truthful to yourself, and I am rendered tame, and I cannot say anything about the way you're living your life.

It's days like these that edge me closer to darkness. It's sunny outside, but hospital walls block out the sun completely. Life seems to be at an agonizing stop inbetween these 4 walls. It's blistering. Survival seems to be the option here. Sad faces are ever-present, and if you catch a glimpse of happiness, it will also be shaded by fakeness and good social manners. I see you in many people here. You seem to be everywhere, except for where you're supposed to be. We haven't spoken for real in ages. I want to stop missing you as soon as possible. But first I must get better. However, I am not sick. I am healthy on the outside, but I feel just as diseased as the real patients.
Why can't I move outside into the sunlight?

It's days like these that shape sadness and force me back into myself. Why did things have to change? For once, I was living life as it was meant to be lived. Without sadness. Without worry. Without this fucking website. And with you.
I guess my conscience tied itself in a knot. I just want to enjoy the sunlit streets I'm walking down with my friends. I'm not walking down the street to happiness, just the street that goes forward. I might be wrong.
Why aren't things the same? Now, sadness surrounds all and absorbs all. Even if I consider happiness, it'll be with something that I don't have anymore. You can guess what that something is.

Days like these would make anyone feel lonely, even though they are surrounded by people who love them. It's a different kind of loneliness. It's the loneliness that reaches inside you to grasp whatever hope of mirth you ever had. It's the kind that points at what you've lost and constantly reminds you of your happy past, and how much better it was then. It's the kind that reminds you a countless number of times that things will not get better for a while. It's the loneliness that you can only feel if you are trapped between 4 walls or enjoying the sunshine when nobody else is. It's the loneliness that reminds you of your innocent childhood joy and energy, and then suddenly obliviates you of it. It's the loneliness that tethers you to the hard sting of reality, and days like these.

Zero.

The aftermath of the warm blood bath is starkly cold.
Now I realise what has really happened. It's a lot worse than I pictured it. I have to start from the beginning once more, and see if I can build something as proud as the vestige I lost. This is a new beginning.
Or is it just a resurrection of the end?
Either way, it's not ok. Nothing is ok.

For a certain someone.

I walked home after seeing friends today. On a wednesday evening. Days when I would usually see you.

I don't feel sad or heartbroken that it's over. My mind seems to flutter uncontrollably between confusion and nostalgia. I don't know if I still love you. I definitely know that you do not love me anymore, and that is what's changed.

Nothing else has changed. I still have my friends, my family, my good grades. I still have my pride, and all those great memories left behind.
It's funny. I don't miss you, but then again I do. So badly. I want to be strong and solid enough to move on without giving signs of weakness. But I am weak when it comes to you.

I was walking home and it was already dark and cold. And, funnily enough, I deliberately took a detour to take a trip down memory lane. And I got this feeling. This feeling from when we were still together and everything was great.
It feels like such a long time ago, and just a second ago at the same time, even though it was only 3 months ago. You seem to be strong, but I don't know if you're just as confused as I am underneath.

I'm not soft for love. If you read the rest of my blog, you'll see that I find love to be annoying, harmful, and eventually pointless. But all these ideas fall apart when I think back to when we were together.
I walked home and listened to Oasis like we would do. We would be glad to have each other's company and we'd feel complete. And no matter how cold the weather would get, or no matter how annoying or restricting our lives in society felt, we would be enclosed in a blissful sanctuary of freedom.

I don't know if you'll read this. I doubt it, and it's probably better that way. I don't want you to fall back into the malevolant lie that you should still love me because you pity me. Don't fucking pity me. I don't need it. Everyone tells me that I can move on and get with other people easily, but I don't know if I want to just yet.

For now, I just enjoyed walking home down the roads we would walk. Feeling sad and happy at the same time. Listening to the same songs that would comically annoy you after a bit, and you would turn to me and ask me to turn it off, and I would playfully refuse.

All those games are gone now. I'm left with the unentertaining notion that I will have to fill this irreplaceable gap with something worth living for. That's gonna be hard to find.

Don't worry about me. I'll move on soon enough, but it'll never be like it used to be.
This feeling will probably never come back to me, and I will probably find someone else soon enough.
And the thought of seeing you everyday as a friend tingles incessantly in my mind. What will it be like? Will I still feel nostalgia? Or will I simply look back at those days as "old times" when we were so innocent and knew that tomorrow was gonna be made of something that would simply make our bond stronger.

I honestly don't want to know what it's gonna be like. I just want to remember this evening as the coda to the symphony that changed my life for the few months we were together.

It feels stupid to write something like this on a blog where I usually post darker things. I'm not a slave to love. I'm not a 12 year old girl. There are bigger things in my life. But this, this was different.
I just had to post this, for our sake...or maybe just mine.

And so I walked.
I walked down roads that held our many memories and stories.
The roads we walked together when we were free in perfect harmony.
And so I walked.
Alone.

Something in the air.

Something in that smell that reminds of the times when life wasn't so great and so extreme. I haven't left these 4 walls all day. The paranoia isn't lessening. Something in my fatigue that reminds me of back then. I don't want to go back at all, but my mind is driving me there. I'm not really helping myself. Something's been wrong for quite a while now. I'm becoming two distinct people, both behaving in distinct ways for two very distinct crowds of people. The lie seems to be floating in the background, but it will creep up on me eventually, and I will have to come to terms with my alter ego.

Something in that joint that reminds me of the time when I was innocent. It seems like I should go back to being sensible and innocent, since I've realised the danger of my habits. But no, I just don't want to, because I daren't turn back. I have to keep moving forward, and shit days like these don't help, and therefore cause me to turn to this fucking website and gargle all these densely layered words of despair. I'm not helping myself. I'm just half way through the tunnel. Going back or carrying on is now just the same to me. Why the fuck do I even think there's a tunnel? I've always been underground anyway.

Something in those words you said when you turned me down today. I was looking forward to seeing you, but for the first time in a while, you said you couldn't. And I could probably detect a hint of a lie in your excuse, but I couldn't tell you. I knew you really wanted to see me, but something bigger was keeping you from doing that. I have no idea what it is. I have no idea what has been going through your head ever since our stumble. I've just given up on that. I want the upper hand this time, you can't jerk people around like you did and expect them to come back. I did. I was wrong.

Something in the endoctrination of the world today. People basing their lives on erroneous facts and imaginary guardians. Everyone seems to be controlable. Everything seems to be dead. Everything I want to improve is untouchable, unbreakable, unmovable, unchangeable. I seem to be a chess piece that cannot take down the king. I've always tried to go against the run of society, but I can't. It seems like going with society, and then documenting how it fucking sucks is a lot easier. You can call me a coward, a hypocrit or whatever the fuck you want. I'm doing it to avoid a mental breakdown, not to please your fucking guilty conscience.

Something in the light that shines on my face as I try to cleanse it of all the lies and things I've done wrong. I can't seem to grasp the tip of what I want to change in me, but I know that the two parts that make my personality up are arguing whether the change is a good thing or not. This conflict inside my very being is most certainly the cause of this dazzling array of depressing thoughts. It might not, I've always turned to the dark side of things anyway. The world hasn't seen my face for a day, and I seem to be grateful for it, even though the stains won't have washed off tomorrow. I might not appear troubled as I look at myself in the mirror with the light. Light won't show you everything. It makes the surface brighter, but it doesn't lighten up the darkness beneath.

Something in the air is very wrong. I'm tired of pretending to be happy.

Let's All Make Believe
by Oasis

Is anyone here prepared to say
Just what they mean or is it too late?
For anyone here to try to do
Just what it takes to get through to you

So let's all make believe
That we're still friends and we like each other
Let's all make believe
In the end we gonna need each other

Strangle my hope and make me pray
To a god I've never seen but who I betray
To the people who live the afterlife
In the place I'll never be 'til I'm crucified

So let's all make believe
We're still friends and we like each other
Let's all make believe
In the end we'll need each other

So let's all make believe
That all mankind is gonna feed our brother
Let's all make believe
That in the end we won't grow old.

Highlight of nightfall and the hint of dawn.

Drifiting in a state of idleness and in a trip that can not even be described as "out of this world" but more like "out of this whole fucking dimension". I don't know what the fuck drove me to write this. Maybe it was to numb the pain I felt when I'd lost someone who eventually came back...
This poem seems to drift between a love story and a requiem of pure paranoia.
I don't want to find meaning, or an answer to this poem.
The lack of meaning is the answer.

--

Mindriot

Dream the dream we'll never die
Sign the pact we won't ask why.

One day you will want me elsewhere
And then I'll take pleasure in change
One day you will need me in your veins
Packing all these drugs in the wake
Of your emotional range.

Scream the scream that ends the chime
Lose yourself on the edge of time.

One day you will kill me and stay calm
And then I'll find no solace in revenge
One day you will revive me in my grave
Buried under all the dense weight
Of the minds you changed.

Live the lives that lived a lie
And drive them into my mind's eye.

One day you will lose me in the end
And then I'll lose all meaning in depth
One day you will find me under sea
Surrounded by the deep blue fragments
Of the tears you wept.

Think the thought that the others in your head aren't leading
But your great intentions did all but stop the bleeding.

One day you lost me, I am but a faded memory.
One day you needed me, I did not answer your plea.
One day you killed me, or did you really?

Mime the infernal dance
Liberate the chains of this trance.

Wake up, I do not exist
In this dream you've dwelt alone
Without direction, without a clue
I am just the other inside your head
Under every sea and beneath every grave
I am you.

--

Can someone please tell me how I've come to this?

As daylight dies.

Why am I seeing everything under a different light? Why do you seem so far away, when everyone else is so close?
It seems you're moving away. Moving to places I won't dream of going. Maybe it was never meant to be...but wait, what the fuck am I talking about? Nothing's ever meant to be. It's never meant to be anything, it just depends on what your idiot human mind makes of the situation.

I think I'm digging my own hole, but I feel that the only way out is to dig deeper. Am I losing you? Or am I losing myself? Maybe I've lost myself all along. Maybe I'm the one moving around you, desperately panicking and trying to deal with this renewed paranoia.

I don't really write about love on here. But this is troubling everything I've ever built or considered building. It seems like I was right in "Speed". The fact is that facts are meaningless. This can't be described by fact. This is but an undecipherable illusion.

Daylight is dying. I need something to deal with the long night ahead, and for the first time ever, I feel like it won't be you.

The world is meaningless. Everything is an illusion. I just wish you weren't.
I'll dig my hole deeper. Maybe a new day will dawn on the other side...if there is an other side.

The most philosophically insightful and cleverly implicit article ever posted on this blog.

When they said I should feed my head, that to me was just a day in bed.
Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star. It's gonna do me fuckin' head in.