What would happen if everything was stripped off of you. Your job, your studies, your friends, your family, your hobbies, your heart, your head...but not your soul.
Could you cope?
Would you be capable of facing the ravine you were born with, that you never used or even considered?
What the fuck would you do with it?
Since it's all that you have left, take a look...
Once you saw the greyness and shallowness of the soul you kept for so long in the dark, would you regret insulting your best friend, rejecting your father, or saying those horrible things to your mother?
Would you regret leaving the girl or guy you once could donate your entire life to?
Would you think back to the crossroads you once stalled upon, and regret taking the one that led you to the emptiness of the moment you were going through?
I've seen emptiness. A canyon filled with lives made up of vacancies.
And I'm still sane.
Life protects you from facing the gorge that disembowls your inner warmth. Whatever is hidden in your soul, that baby that still lives inside, screaming for attention, is flunked by all the social conventions and desires of power everyone of us follows and craves.
Thinking about it, I can say I'm starting to see more and more of nothing.
As summer approaches again, and soon I will be left without the structure and the routine I'm strapped to now, I realise how weak we all are.
I'm happy at the moment. People are surrounding me in every direction. I'm part of the audience. I'm in there.
Soon, with no school, and no friends close-by, and that dreadful word that separates you from your usual life ("holiday"), I will witness the inevitable, grinding feeling of emptiness inside.
While everyone is enjoying hot summer, I'll still be here. On holiday, sure, but everything will have disappeared. I'll think too much, and start regretting.
Everyone sees summer as the happy season, where everything is fine. I think it's the most depressing time of the year.
When I'm left at home, inbetween a holiday, with all my friends and my family out there, enjoying it, I feel like I'm missing out. Everything good, bright, fun and enjoyable is happening somewhere else.
It's unbearable.
I hate reconsidering my life. It drives me closer to cancelling out everything good just in the hope of making it better. I'm just so happy with what I have now, that I don't want a divide like summer to come, break it up, and ruin it.
But it's inevitable. Maybe it will turn out OK, but there's still a maybe.
I love everything I have now, but I'm on the edge of crossroads, and if I stall, I'll end up taking the wrong path...and it will lead me even further down the path I am trying to get away from now: the path to moments of emptiness.
Moments where you can't help but think about all the things that you've done, all the things you could have done, all the things that must be done, and all the things left out of the audience.
Moments where you feel small.
Moments like this.
