Something in the air.

Something in that smell that reminds of the times when life wasn't so great and so extreme. I haven't left these 4 walls all day. The paranoia isn't lessening. Something in my fatigue that reminds me of back then. I don't want to go back at all, but my mind is driving me there. I'm not really helping myself. Something's been wrong for quite a while now. I'm becoming two distinct people, both behaving in distinct ways for two very distinct crowds of people. The lie seems to be floating in the background, but it will creep up on me eventually, and I will have to come to terms with my alter ego.

Something in that joint that reminds me of the time when I was innocent. It seems like I should go back to being sensible and innocent, since I've realised the danger of my habits. But no, I just don't want to, because I daren't turn back. I have to keep moving forward, and shit days like these don't help, and therefore cause me to turn to this fucking website and gargle all these densely layered words of despair. I'm not helping myself. I'm just half way through the tunnel. Going back or carrying on is now just the same to me. Why the fuck do I even think there's a tunnel? I've always been underground anyway.

Something in those words you said when you turned me down today. I was looking forward to seeing you, but for the first time in a while, you said you couldn't. And I could probably detect a hint of a lie in your excuse, but I couldn't tell you. I knew you really wanted to see me, but something bigger was keeping you from doing that. I have no idea what it is. I have no idea what has been going through your head ever since our stumble. I've just given up on that. I want the upper hand this time, you can't jerk people around like you did and expect them to come back. I did. I was wrong.

Something in the endoctrination of the world today. People basing their lives on erroneous facts and imaginary guardians. Everyone seems to be controlable. Everything seems to be dead. Everything I want to improve is untouchable, unbreakable, unmovable, unchangeable. I seem to be a chess piece that cannot take down the king. I've always tried to go against the run of society, but I can't. It seems like going with society, and then documenting how it fucking sucks is a lot easier. You can call me a coward, a hypocrit or whatever the fuck you want. I'm doing it to avoid a mental breakdown, not to please your fucking guilty conscience.

Something in the light that shines on my face as I try to cleanse it of all the lies and things I've done wrong. I can't seem to grasp the tip of what I want to change in me, but I know that the two parts that make my personality up are arguing whether the change is a good thing or not. This conflict inside my very being is most certainly the cause of this dazzling array of depressing thoughts. It might not, I've always turned to the dark side of things anyway. The world hasn't seen my face for a day, and I seem to be grateful for it, even though the stains won't have washed off tomorrow. I might not appear troubled as I look at myself in the mirror with the light. Light won't show you everything. It makes the surface brighter, but it doesn't lighten up the darkness beneath.

Something in the air is very wrong. I'm tired of pretending to be happy.

Let's All Make Believe
by Oasis

Is anyone here prepared to say
Just what they mean or is it too late?
For anyone here to try to do
Just what it takes to get through to you

So let's all make believe
That we're still friends and we like each other
Let's all make believe
In the end we gonna need each other

Strangle my hope and make me pray
To a god I've never seen but who I betray
To the people who live the afterlife
In the place I'll never be 'til I'm crucified

So let's all make believe
We're still friends and we like each other
Let's all make believe
In the end we'll need each other

So let's all make believe
That all mankind is gonna feed our brother
Let's all make believe
That in the end we won't grow old.

Highlight of nightfall and the hint of dawn.

Drifiting in a state of idleness and in a trip that can not even be described as "out of this world" but more like "out of this whole fucking dimension". I don't know what the fuck drove me to write this. Maybe it was to numb the pain I felt when I'd lost someone who eventually came back...
This poem seems to drift between a love story and a requiem of pure paranoia.
I don't want to find meaning, or an answer to this poem.
The lack of meaning is the answer.

--

Mindriot

Dream the dream we'll never die
Sign the pact we won't ask why.

One day you will want me elsewhere
And then I'll take pleasure in change
One day you will need me in your veins
Packing all these drugs in the wake
Of your emotional range.

Scream the scream that ends the chime
Lose yourself on the edge of time.

One day you will kill me and stay calm
And then I'll find no solace in revenge
One day you will revive me in my grave
Buried under all the dense weight
Of the minds you changed.

Live the lives that lived a lie
And drive them into my mind's eye.

One day you will lose me in the end
And then I'll lose all meaning in depth
One day you will find me under sea
Surrounded by the deep blue fragments
Of the tears you wept.

Think the thought that the others in your head aren't leading
But your great intentions did all but stop the bleeding.

One day you lost me, I am but a faded memory.
One day you needed me, I did not answer your plea.
One day you killed me, or did you really?

Mime the infernal dance
Liberate the chains of this trance.

Wake up, I do not exist
In this dream you've dwelt alone
Without direction, without a clue
I am just the other inside your head
Under every sea and beneath every grave
I am you.

--

Can someone please tell me how I've come to this?

As daylight dies.

Why am I seeing everything under a different light? Why do you seem so far away, when everyone else is so close?
It seems you're moving away. Moving to places I won't dream of going. Maybe it was never meant to be...but wait, what the fuck am I talking about? Nothing's ever meant to be. It's never meant to be anything, it just depends on what your idiot human mind makes of the situation.

I think I'm digging my own hole, but I feel that the only way out is to dig deeper. Am I losing you? Or am I losing myself? Maybe I've lost myself all along. Maybe I'm the one moving around you, desperately panicking and trying to deal with this renewed paranoia.

I don't really write about love on here. But this is troubling everything I've ever built or considered building. It seems like I was right in "Speed". The fact is that facts are meaningless. This can't be described by fact. This is but an undecipherable illusion.

Daylight is dying. I need something to deal with the long night ahead, and for the first time ever, I feel like it won't be you.

The world is meaningless. Everything is an illusion. I just wish you weren't.
I'll dig my hole deeper. Maybe a new day will dawn on the other side...if there is an other side.

The most philosophically insightful and cleverly implicit article ever posted on this blog.

When they said I should feed my head, that to me was just a day in bed.
Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star. It's gonna do me fuckin' head in.