Hop on your rainbow, and leap into oblivion.

There's an infamous question that is: Would you rather be blind or deaf?

When someone asked me it a while back, I didn't know. Well now I do, and if that person is reading these very words, they will have their answer.

I'd rather be blind. By far. Simply because music is the biggest part of my life.
Music is everything to me.

But wait hang on, I'm not talking about the music you hear on the radio or during music theory class.
When I listen to classical music like Mozart, Bach or Beethoven, and I see tons of music fanatics around me drooling at its so called "beauty", I feel perplexed.
OK fine, that kind of music is majestic. Beautiful in many ways.
And being a musician myself I can tell you that those boys knew a shitload about how to change key or finish with a perfect cadence.

But this is the catch: there's no human implication in it. Even in opera, while that fat lady in a tight dress sings, I can't help but feel uneasy and insensitive to the gibberish she is crooning.
Mozart, Bach and Beethoven knew every corner and every crack in the system and the rules of music. They just didn't express emotion explicitly enough.

I know many classical music fanatics will disagree with me, and I'm sure that a different mind would look at it a different way. But this is my blog. It's my mind. It's the view I'm getting.

The music that means a lot to me is not what Bach spouted out to finish another predictable symphony. The music I'm talking about is music that touches you. Gives you the chills. Frightens you because you can remember exactly where you were and how you felt the first moment when you heard that heart-moving riff or chorus.
It reminds you of that time, and ultimately opens you the gates of a different world with different rules. Some world, (like I've talked about before in A Thousand Vacancies), where everything is stripped off except for your soul. And your emotions inflate and invade the sky, forcing you to acknowledge them.

And then you feel some kind of connection with what the artist, singer or band, is expressing. That gives me the chills.

I, for one, have lead a life that has been guided by music. Now my taste is so precise, so deep, that I can listen to a song over and over and not get bored, because that song plays a story in my head.

Many songs have given me the chills, because of their power, softness, darkness or beauty. One song that I just feel I have to mention is Alexisonfire's "Pulmonary Archery". It is a song that appears ugly to most, because most of the vocals are screamed.
However, the extraordinary guitar and bass introduction is just mesmerizing. I still don't understand the full meaning of the lyrics, but just that introduction reminds me of a time of my life, that's probably too personal, and too weird to talk about, because it haunts me still to this day.

If I was deaf, I wouldn't be able to hear the beautiful caress of the violin, the beady touch of the piano, or the furry vibration of the bass guitar. I couldn't hear the birds sing melodies no one listens to, or the presidents lead nations with their microphones, or the children innocently laughing at other people's misfortune.
I wouldn't be able to hear the entire world talking at the same time, distorting words, drowning compliments, amplifying insults. I wouldn't be able to hear every last person on this earth trying to raise their voice higher, just for the sake of power.

Now that I think of it, being deaf is as bad as being blind. But sometimes I just have to feel that being isolated from a world like this isn't such of a disadvantage. Being in your own world, far from the disaster the collective world has become.

We all live in our own private worlds, but we all desperately try to stain other people's worlds with out territory.

Just like I'm doing right now. With you.

Before I go, I'll leave you with the lyrics to one of the greatest modern rock songs ever made.
This is the crack in the wall.
This is the break in the fall.
This is meaning.
Listen to this next time you're thinking of grooving to Kesha. And maybe, just maybe, you'll change.

Pulmonary Archery
by Alexisonfire

It’s never too late to be early
Or to try and maintain some scrap of
Integrity and certainty I guess.

My fingers are blistered and bleeding
There’s no longer discomfort you brought me.

But I wont apologize, and 1977
Was a long time ago. I don’t care.

I don't care how things were
And I won't apologize.
I won't apologize.
Fuck you.

The Alamo has been penetrated
And there is little hope for the white man
So hop on your rainbow, ride it

My fingers are blistered and bleeding
There’s no longer discomfort you brought me.

So hop on your rainbow, and leap into oblivion.
For all I care you can be early or late, whatever.

Pick some sense out of this.

Fuck you.
It's a feeling, an emotion. Not something you can trigger by looking at a picture or reading some text or crap. It's self-induced. Uncontrolable.

Time is maddening. When I consider every single second ticking off at every single fucking moment of this universe, I just think how frantic they could be. Or how peaceful, but why would anyone want something like that?

Peacefulness brings me a feeling of missing out. I'm probably missing out on something awesome in this life. Well, no. I'm missing out on a lot more shit than on awesomeness. But it doesn't take me away from this self-induced lunacy.

Sanity is insanity.
Happines is depression.
Vices are virtues.
Success is luck.
Peace is war.
Drugs are medicine.

What the fuck was all that about? I don't know, but it makes sense. Every element that makes everything up is always ever attracted to its opposite. Even though it's not directly visible, everything is intimately linked to what it completely contradicts. You can consider politics, religion, different cultures, traditions or even just music, and you will be left with the same fact.

The fact is like Pi. So difficult to discern and decipher, but so lethally exact. I mean, take Stalin and Hitler as an example. They wanted two completely different things, but achieved them using the same means.

Maybe the world was born like this. Maybe we just made it that way. Maybe you're not following me anymore.

Okay, I'll put into words you can all understand.

The world of today has a reputation of a free world among the higher tier of the population. It is true in many many ways, but the contradiction of this fact is dangerously present.
For example, in no way can you survive today without a safe job and a fucking business diploma to become a faithful employee (a boring fuckwad) working for a company that does something everyone hates. You can't live your passion. I don't care what people say. You just can't.
Living your passion is all what living is about. If you can't do that, you don't live, you just exist.
If you really want to live your passion nowadays, it's suicide.

And there it is again. That fact.

Suicide is considered imoral, insane, an action that is drained of all reason. You see, the opposite is almost as relevant, if not more. Suicide, in this world, is reasonable. Human. It's escaping the insanity (disguised as wisdom) that floods the streets and skies of the nest we live and breed in.
And we breed our children with that same state of mind.

Very soon peace and war will have completely swapped sides.

They will have swapped sides, and we will be completely oblivious to it. Just as oblivious as we are to everything that is born inside our walls. We're oblivious to everything, ever since the very first evolved people of our kind created a huge magnet called society to keep their descendants under control.

With this disturbing thought in mind, I can tell you that knowing something like that is not known or felt by visiting a poor country or seeing the pyramids or Niagara falls.

...the train of thought has disappeared. I have no idea if it made sense. Whatever, I'm doing this blog for me...but if I post this on internet, you might all see.
...you see, there it is again.

Now you just ponder about that thought when you're sitting comfortably in your warm and cosy living room, while the rest of the world is busy surviving.

The cure for insomnia.

Woaaaah it's late. I should be sleeping, seeing as I have to wake up in 3 hours.
Well, I've proven to myself before that this blog can be the cure for my insomnia, so here goes:

Here's just a few thoughts that came to me. I can't be fucked to put them into articles or poems or whatever. I just hope they make sense outside my head. Cuz they sure as hell made sense when I thought of them while gazing at the world and all the parasites it contains.

- The adolescent dilemma is that the teenager's social entourage will push him one way, whilst his parents and family will push him the other. He is then forced to feel rejected by at least one of them.

- The original, natural world is in essence: unfair. So why do we humans try to make ours as fair as possible whilst not tolerating anything unnatural?

- I fear to lose close people so much now as a teenager, that when I see adults dealing with their acquaintences not very often, saying absent-mindedly that "people just get on with their lives", I really think the world is ugly.

- The trend of being deep and meaningful is getting popular now. The uncontrolable, filthy, stupid masses are going to overshadow the people who are really deep soon...thank you society.

- People with power have the power to not care. They also have the power to care, but that's a higher ledge to reach for.

- Come on, let's be honest. We all have to stand naked at least once in our lives (I'm not saying you should imagine the Queen of England naked, please).

Just consider all of that. We should all just go intoxicate ourselves together. We'd all be stoned, but at least we wouldn't hate each other.
That just did it.
See you tomorrow for another frightful day.

Ice on the thorn.

I think I should just let go. It's summer. All the kids are playing. All the adults are dancing. The summer time is supposed to be the happiest period of the year, where we can crawl out of our dens and let the scarlet evening skies ravish us. The powerful sun dominates us and provides us with endless pleasure.
I don't find it that way. Summer is the most depressing time of the year. By far.

It isn't cosy. People are separated, enjoying their time by themselves with the sun, instead of roasting together upon an open fire.

At least during the year the routine will keep us tied together, and we can enjoy our time since we are anchored to the same boat. Now I am drifting too far towards the edge of the earth on a fragile raft.

I've been having trouble sleeping. The heat maybe, or maybe it's just that thought. Everyone's in a great mood around me, but I've never felt so alone.
There's nothing as comforting as a set of smooth words joined together, so let's have ourselves a little poem:

Sleep Debt

Days are all the same
All different, yet still lame
I’m the catch of the day
As I live my time away
The system’s perfectly aligned
With all exceptions resigned
And I am never tired
With being forever admired.

Days are getting longer
Nothing is making me stronger
I drift towards my soul’s boundaries
But the old me is still not deceased
The exceptions come in to play
With a hint of the system still in the way
But now am I so tired
That I want to retire?

Days never end
Solitude is my best friend
I’ve accumulated idleness
And filled my life with emptiness
The system’s safety is gone
I am the exception, not hanging on
I’m tired, my straits are very dire
And my conscience is on fire.

Maybe I must dig so deep to find what I really seek,
But first I must get some sleep, before my view becomes oblique.