Horizons.

Well here it is. A new year. Doesn't really seem like it. Doesn't really feel like it. It still feels like the timeless, limitless drone of time moving on. It seems like I'm indifferent to all the changes my life is going under lately. I'm still not fully sure why, but my head is still stuck 3 months ago. It's not just because I was with you. That's definitely part of the past now.
No. It was just because everything was so much better. Life seemed to help me out of bed every morning instead of kicking me multiple times in the face as it does now.
I wish I could have those days playing on a loop. I never realised how golden they were until they were over, you were gone, and my sense of purpose turned to shreds.

Things have changed since last year.

I was such an innocent young man back in January 2010. I hadn't really dug into the teenage life back then. I had no reason to be sad, or particularly happy. I was conveniently neutral. I was denied of all the pleasures and kept safe from all the shit in life. Then things changed and it felt like I was being reborn.
I prefer not to remember the beginning of last year, because I was something that I now hate. I don't want to look back on some of the memories back then, because they render me too confused and too nostalgic.
To reinforce this, I find myself with the desperate desire of moving ever more forward. But then you see, I'm still stuck three months ago. Now I'm left in limbo. Going back further is unpleasant, but remembering the few months that followed October would be even more painful.

The new year means nothing to me. Things are staying the same. The novelty of this new life is getting old. The wave of initial excitement has passed, and the breakup triggered the end.

It also made me realise that I have left some people behind in favour of others over the past year. I regret that in a way, but I also needed to do it. Because I am afraid of the past. I am afraid of the person I was and I attempt to be oblivious to it. I attempt to overshadow a past life with an even better new life. That is my way of trudging through my existence, and so far it has served me well. As well as I could hope for.

I don't see the point in celebrating the new year anyway.
We're still the same people at the end of the day. We can set goals and try to become better people after the clock strikes midnight, but even then we know that it won't succeed.
Time doesn't define life, and doesn't define us. Time is nothing but numbers tracking us down, turning every day into a unit. A fixed piece.

I don't live my life in days. I have my own way of counting "days". A day could last 79 hours for all I care. It will only end when something new happens, and my mind is directed in another direction.
In your case, (yep I'm talking to you again), you could say that our day lasted 6 months. 6 fucking months.

And that was just yesterday.
How do you expect me to be back to fucking normal after that?
Yesterday took me up in the sky. Today, I can't even remember how it felt. Isn't that fucking sad?
I don't know if you can remember. You probably can. Your feet still won't touch the ground, when mine won't lift from the undergrowth.

I can't even remember how I felt when I was still happy for christmas. I can't even remember what it feels like to enjoy a present and forget about all the complicated twists your life may be going through.
I can't remember what it feels like to not be looking over my back every five minutes. I can't remember what it feels like to be loved and to love. I can't remember what it feels like to feel at home. I can't remember what it feels like to get along with your parents.
I can't remember what it feels like to be alive.
I can't remember shit.

I'm just forcing myself not to walk backwards. I'm already looking backwards all the time. The worst thing I could do is get lost in a delusion from the past. I'm forcing myself to move forwards, in every aspect. The new year means fuck all.
I just used it as an excuse to get wasted this year. It's no longer the glamourous evening it used to be. 2011 means nothing to me. I'm still fighting this fight against myself.

This fight will kill me one day. I'm not asking for pity or help. I'm solely responsible for this. I almost want my own downfall. If I fall, I will eventually come back up. If I come back up, the delusion will be complete. And I will be able to enjoy the new year again. I will be able to enjoy sitting beside the fire an endless number of hours. I will be able to enjoy your new form of company (yeah you again). I will be able to enjoy the presence of the people who truly matter. I will be able to enjoy all the little things. I will feel alive again.

My days could last 5 minutes, as they could last 6 months. Like ours. They could last forever, if I'm lucky one day. But for now, the dark of night has lasted too long. The sky can only get lighter...